Dit is prachtig! Je kent ondertussen Steve Pavlina misschien wel, de schrijver die ik al jaren volg omwille van zijn baanbrekend commitment naar groei op alle gebied in het leven.

Ik had al langer zo'n gevoel dat alles niet helemaal klopte... Steve heeft zo'n hoog bewustzijn op andere gebieden als zaken, voeding, spiritualiteit... Waarom is dieje pee niet polyamoureus??? It didn't make sense to me.
Hij is zelf 15 jaar getrouwd en heeft twee kinderen. 2009 wordt blijkbaar voor hem het jaar van relaties. En bam! in zijn eerste post daarover schrijft hij dat hij poly gaat!

Super, dat gaat hem zeker verderbrengen in zijn leven!

Veel van wat hij schrijft resoneert heel sterk bij mij, het is alsof ik het had kunnen schrijven. Zeker dit stukje over liefde geven:

Sharing love and connection is my main motivation for wanting to experience other intimate relationships. It’s not about trying to get something from other people. I don’t feel I’m coming at this from a place of neediness, at least not in the sense that I need something from other people.

What I’m feeling is that I have this massive energy source of love inside me, but I lack the channels to fully express it. I want to let it flow, but all I’m doing is keeping it bottled up. Some of it flows into my relationship with Erin of course, but there’s still more to give.

Sharing emotional intimacy is great, but I’ve felt stunted by my inability to cross the physical intimacy border and take the sharing of love and connection to a much greater level. I think some amazing things will happen by dropping that limitation from my life.

Obviously I can share love through writing, speaking, and talking with people. However, my most natural manner of expressing love is through physical intimacy, especially touch. I give Erin massages all the time. If I see her sitting on the couch, it’s hard for me not to start squeezing her. When we go to bed at night, I usually massage and cuddle her first. Sometimes I play a game to see how much massaging she can handle before she’s so sleepy that she asks me to stop. We also have sex pretty often, especially since I know how to put her into a receptive state. A foot massage always sends her to la-la land. :)

But I still have the capacity to share more attention and affection than Erin can receive. If I give out as much as I feel inclined to give, she eventually starts rejecting it. Consequently, I always have to hold back. Some of this desire for expressing affection gets channeled into my writing, which is a way for me to reach out and connect with lots of people, but since that medium is a mismatch for physical intimacy, I often feel stunted trying to express love through the written word.

Why can’t I just become a massage therapist on the side and touch people all day long? That wouldn’t be appropriate because in my case, sensual touch leads very naturally to sex. I’d have a hard time holding back. Touching, kissing, massage, and sex are all part of the same bundle in my mind.

Physical and emotional intimacy go hand-in-hand with me. I’m not exactly sure why, but it’s hard for me to separate the two. A physically intimate relationship with a woman would make me feel very connected with her, and I’d automatically want to connect with her emotionally as well.

I’ve no idea how easy it will be to follow this path, but at least I know that others have already done it, so hopefully I can learn something from them.

I’d never want to do anything deceptive, so I wouldn’t start a relationship on false premises, like by pretending I’m a single guy. I’d need to find women who could understand my situation without going kittywompus. I have to imagine that somewhere on this planet, there must be other women who are open to exploring physical and emotional intimacy without major hang-ups and possessiveness issues… hopefully ones who like being massaged a lot.

Ook wat zijn vrouw Erin schrijft in de opvolgende Q&A vind ik inzichtrijk:

Is there some fear? Yes, there is some fear. My ego is having a field day with this one. “What if he finds someone he likes more than you?” “What if he stops spending time with you and the kids?” “What if someone comes along who takes him away from you forever?” Knowing it’s my ego talking to me, I can say back to it, “I know you’re trying to protect me from a future pain that you think is coming. I love and appreciate your desire to protect me, but there is no need. I will not dwell in fear.”

I took some time to connect with my higher self because I was more interested to hear what she had to say than what my ego had to say. We had a lovely conversation. Here is what she expressed to me:

Love is boundless and expansive. It should not be contained. It is not meant for love to live in compartments, but to be shared openly and honestly with all. The more that love is shared, the greater the unity among you. Marriage is a man-made construct, like religion or language. Anything that constricts love is not in alignment with oneness. You can never be diminished when love is shared. Indeed you are diminished when love is controlled or when you try to own another’s heart.

Later schreef ze ook op het forum: I know better than to take a decision based on fear.

Dit alles sterkt mijn geloof dat polyamorie een natuurlijke evolutie is op het ontwikkelingspad van ieder mens. Wel, om precies te zijn, de evolutie is inzien dat we onnatuurlijk bezig zijn.

Wim

Labels: pavlina, polyamorie

Als mensen horen over mijn polyamorie vragen ze direct naar praktische details. Ik vind dat persoonlijk vreemd, de principes van openheid en liefde zijn veel belangrijker vind ik. Nu, ik blijf daar het antwoord vaak schuldig op wegens mijn vertrouwen daarin en dus gebrek aan ervaring, daarom laat ik het woord graag aan mensen die daar meer ervaring in hebben (hoewel het gaat over een breakup).

Wim

Labels: polyamorie

Het is niet omdat je meerdere mensen liefhebt dat het daarom minder diep is. Ik hoop echt dat mensen dat leren beseffen. Werp het juk van de maatschappij en de voorbijgestreefde mythes die ons worden geleerd over liefde af en leer het gevoel in je eigen buik te volgen. Dat is een veel betere gids in je leven.
Ik vind het geweldig dat net ontdek dat ik oprechte blijdschap voel als een vriendin van mij verteld dat ze gevoelens heeft voor een andere man. Eindelijk! Ze was al zo lang op zoek... Ik voel verdriet, maar dat is omwille van het terugtrekken van haar, wat ik zal missen, wat wij zullen missen... Iedereen is uniek. Maakt niet uit hoeveel mensen belangrijk zijn in iemands leven, zij het amoureus, platonisch, bloedverwanten, elke persoon op zich is bijzonder.

Start met te denken voor jezelf. Geef op de goedkeuring te willen van mensen die toch geen zak uitmaken in je leven. De gedachte dat de mening van andere mensen een tastbaar effect heeft op je leven is niet meer dan dat, een pure paranoïde illusie. Probeer het eens uit, je zal verbaasd staan van hoe weinig eigenlijke problemen naar je eigen waarden leven creëert. Niemand kan je respecteren als je jezelf niet respecteert.

Volg je eigen weg. Deze laatste paar maanden zijn er meerdere mensen die ik al dan niet goed kende onverwacht gestorven. This is the real deal people. Leef je leven, in plaats van te wachten tot je geleefd wordt. Ga drastisch, indien dat nodig is. Betaal die prijs voor je verlangens, want wanneer ga je dat anders doen? Over 5 levens?

Doe het nu.

Kus,
Wim

Labels: leven, liefde, polyamorie, spiritualiteit

Dit vond ik interessant! Van All in the Mind: The Myth of Monogamy

What’s startles us –and in our book we discuss it at some length – is female sexuality. It was thought that females were monogamous and males had a roving eye, but what our book really shows is that females are sneaky extra-pair copulators. Females have evolved by nature essentially to have multiple sexual partners, but to keep the whole business secret from their males. You can imagine from the female point of view that it would be really awkward and messy and difficult for a female to have a handful of guys. Just imagine the competition between them, the issues of power and control.

Ok dames, geef het maar toe, welke extra zintuigen heeft de natuur jullie gegeven? Komen daar al die sociale vaardigheden vandaan? ;)

Wim

Labels: evolutie, monogamie, polyamorie

Pas nog wat discussies gehad over jaloezie. Dit stuk hier (volledig artikel op http://www.ejhs.org/volume6/polyamory.htm) zet een paar dingen helderder uiteen dan ik voordien deed. Geknipt wegens geklaag over focusgebrek :)

Jealousy.

This is the other big myth - that jealousy is innate, inevitable and impossible to overcome. Indeed, showing jealousy is even taken as proof of love, and is used a valid excuse for violent and aggressive behavior. Until recently, catching your wife in bed with a lover was a defense for murder in some places. Jealousy, possessiveness and control are also at the core of domestic violence, which thrives in the privacy of monogamy.

Our culture seems addicted to three core beliefs about relationships that are almost guaranteed to create jealousy in even the most well adjusted people. Identifying and dismantling these beliefs is the most effective way of dealing with jealousy.

Core belief #1

If my partner really loved me, there would not be any desire for an intimate or sexual relationship with anyone else.

This is based on the scarcity model of love, in which a partner's emotional or love interest in somebody else means that I will be loved less. It is as absurd as the idea that to have a second child is an indication that you don't love your first child enough. It also presumes that sex and love are the same thing and meet the same needs.

Core belief #2.

If I were a good partner/spouse/lover, my partner would be so satisfied that they wouldn't want to get involved with anybody else.

This belief is even more insidious. With the first belief you can at least blame the problem on your partner. This belief makes it your fault for not being the perfect lover. This is also the basis of the widespread romantic myth of the "one and only person on the planet". This is also guaranteed to cause serious self-esteem problems, which is fertile ground for jealousy.

Core belief #3.

It is just not possible to love more than one person at a time.

This again is based on the scarcity theory of love, that I only have a finite amount to give.

All of these beliefs are connected to a primal fear of loss and abandonment, however unfounded. Neale Donald Walsche, in his series "Conversations with God" described fear as "False Evidence Appearing Real". I prefer "Fantasy Existing As Reality", in other words, we imagine the worst possible outcomes and then believe that these are our "real" feelings.

Labels: jaloezie, polyamorie