Evolutionaire Affaire
Dit vond ik interessant! Van All in the Mind: The Myth of Monogamy
Wim
What’s startles us –and in our book we discuss it at some length – is female sexuality. It was thought that females were monogamous and males had a roving eye, but what our book really shows is that females are sneaky extra-pair copulators. Females have evolved by nature essentially to have multiple sexual partners, but to keep the whole business secret from their males. You can imagine from the female point of view that it would be really awkward and messy and difficult for a female to have a handful of guys. Just imagine the competition between them, the issues of power and control.Ok dames, geef het maar toe, welke extra zintuigen heeft de natuur jullie gegeven? Komen daar al die sociale vaardigheden vandaan? ;)
Wim
Labels: evolutie, monogamie, polyamorie
Liefde en Bezit
Ik sprak onlangs met een kennis van me, Hans, over een topic waar ik de laatste tijd veel mee bezig ben: hoe veel mensen zonder nadenken de maatschappelijke verwachtingen slikken, voornamelijk over man/vrouw-relaties. Hans gaat verder daarin dan ik op dit moment en spoort zijn partners zelfs aan om seks te hebben met andere mannen. Ik vroeg hem om meer uitleg. In zijn antwoord zaten vele zaken die ik al jaren aanvoel expliciet uitgeschreven. Ik ga niet met alles akkoord, maar er zitten een aantal zeer sterke waarheden in. Omdat het zo verhelderend is voor iedereen, en ook omdat ik heel graag jullie mening hierover heb --hou je niet in om te discussiëren-- hier zijn antwoord (nadruk door mij aangebracht):
Wim,
I could try to explain it in a million words, but this reframe articulates pretty good what I want to say. I tell them "I will not be your sole provider of dick" because I want to take all possession out of the relation:
I'm not like most people you know - in fact, you've probably never met anyone like me. Because my capacity to love is unlike anything you've ever experienced. Because, I don't think that people in today's society really know how to love one another. Alot of people think they know how to love, but they don't really. Love is not wanting anything FROM another person, it's wanting something FOR another person. When I love someone, that's how I love them. I only want what's truly best FOR them - even if it's not what I want. I am complete and fulfilled on my own, so I don't need anything FROM them.
Alot of different things masquerade as love: Alot of people think that love is trying to possess someone, to keep someone all to themselves and deprive them of experiencing things without them because they think they should be all that the other person needs. I am not that conceited, I know that I cannot be everything that someone needs and I would never deprive them of an experience that would help them grow, enrich them in some way, or fulfill them. Anything else is not love, it's possession. I don't want to own you.
Or they use love to negotiate - "I won't give you what you want till you give me what I want". And often, the intimacy that men and women need are different. Women are looking for emotional intimacy whereas men are looking for physical intimacy. So a woman will say "I won't be physically intimate with you until you are emotionally intimate with me." And men will say "How can I open myself to you and be emotionally intimate if we don't even trust each other enough to me physically intimate". Well that's not love either, but each one is using love as a negotiating tool - as leverage.
Sometimes love gets confused for power, people withhold their love from each other to control or manipulate the other person - that's not love either, that domination.
Some people think that love is about losing yourself in another person - needing the other person to complete you or to feel fulfilled, and they're afraid to let that other person go. That's not love, that's codependence.
Other people are afraid that if the other person experiences things with someone else, then that someone else might be better than they are, or else their lover will fall in love with someone else because they weren't enough to keep them around. Well, that's not love, that's insecurity, and it has no place in love.
In fact, love is not possession, it's not domination, it's not codependence, and it has no place for insecurity. When I love someone, it's no small thing. Love doesn't come in 31 different flavours like BaskinRobins - there is only one true flavour and that is unconditional love. The quality of love that I offer is only the highest quality unconditional love - that means I don't want to possess you or control you but rather want you to experience the most enriching life you can and help you discover and fulfill your complete potential, even if its not what I want in the moment.
I don't want or need anything FROM you because I am fulfilled on my own. I only want the best FOR you. And that is also how I demand to be loved because I won't settle for anything else.
Wim,
I could try to explain it in a million words, but this reframe articulates pretty good what I want to say. I tell them "I will not be your sole provider of dick" because I want to take all possession out of the relation:
I'm not like most people you know - in fact, you've probably never met anyone like me. Because my capacity to love is unlike anything you've ever experienced. Because, I don't think that people in today's society really know how to love one another. Alot of people think they know how to love, but they don't really. Love is not wanting anything FROM another person, it's wanting something FOR another person. When I love someone, that's how I love them. I only want what's truly best FOR them - even if it's not what I want. I am complete and fulfilled on my own, so I don't need anything FROM them.
Alot of different things masquerade as love: Alot of people think that love is trying to possess someone, to keep someone all to themselves and deprive them of experiencing things without them because they think they should be all that the other person needs. I am not that conceited, I know that I cannot be everything that someone needs and I would never deprive them of an experience that would help them grow, enrich them in some way, or fulfill them. Anything else is not love, it's possession. I don't want to own you.
Or they use love to negotiate - "I won't give you what you want till you give me what I want". And often, the intimacy that men and women need are different. Women are looking for emotional intimacy whereas men are looking for physical intimacy. So a woman will say "I won't be physically intimate with you until you are emotionally intimate with me." And men will say "How can I open myself to you and be emotionally intimate if we don't even trust each other enough to me physically intimate". Well that's not love either, but each one is using love as a negotiating tool - as leverage.
Sometimes love gets confused for power, people withhold their love from each other to control or manipulate the other person - that's not love either, that domination.
Some people think that love is about losing yourself in another person - needing the other person to complete you or to feel fulfilled, and they're afraid to let that other person go. That's not love, that's codependence.
Other people are afraid that if the other person experiences things with someone else, then that someone else might be better than they are, or else their lover will fall in love with someone else because they weren't enough to keep them around. Well, that's not love, that's insecurity, and it has no place in love.
In fact, love is not possession, it's not domination, it's not codependence, and it has no place for insecurity. When I love someone, it's no small thing. Love doesn't come in 31 different flavours like BaskinRobins - there is only one true flavour and that is unconditional love. The quality of love that I offer is only the highest quality unconditional love - that means I don't want to possess you or control you but rather want you to experience the most enriching life you can and help you discover and fulfill your complete potential, even if its not what I want in the moment.
I don't want or need anything FROM you because I am fulfilled on my own. I only want the best FOR you. And that is also how I demand to be loved because I won't settle for anything else.