Extremities
This month I've been confronting some old fear. Well, maybe fear is not the correct word. It is something by which I am still afflicted, and that bothers me. These causes are few and far between these days, I want to rid myself of these remnants too.
Let me first say it's been rough. After the initial enthousiasm of having the opportunity to work through a fear wanes, I quickly descended into old patterns. It is amazing not only how much these patterns influence me behaviorally -- my voice dissapears, I feel like I constantly have to swallow, muscles tighten, selfawareness increases -- but also how many many thoughts are present. I meditate daily, but I had forgotten how easily you can mistake your thoughts for reality. And that was indeed what happened, for days on end.
The most frustrating thing to me is having the knowledge that your thoughts are unproductive and self-destructive and that the only action necessary to feel better is to see through that, but not succeeding in that very perception. This knowing but not succeeding further fuels the frustration... and thus it spirals viciously. A recurring pattern for me. The answer to this is that there is no answer. You just accept. It's still a lesson I need repeated it seems....
Now, because of some other emotional issues, I was already experiencing high and lows. What surprised me is how fast it can swing between them (a friend of mine said I had PMS :) ) sometimes switching around in half a day.
Waking today, I felt again cognitively besieged. Well, at that point, the thing is you are not aware of that. Your thoughts are your reality at that point.
The ego can be so tricky. For example if your start thinking that you want to let go of an emotion of fear, you tell yourself that's no use because you will still experience the fear and so you will still experience all the bad consequences. Of course, this in itself is also fear -- the very same one, in fact -- but you don't realize that at that moment.
Another maybe more concrete example, let's say you fear losing the validation of a person. So you tell yourself that you have to stop wanting that validation, because that will make your interaction with the person go a better... which is actually the same motivation, because the fact that you want the interaction to go better, means you need their validation.
Awareness and acceptance. It's always these two. Simple concepts, but sometimes so difficult to implement... (Or is that belief in itself making it difficult for me? :) )
Let's get back to my story. So this morning it was an Italian traffic jam in my mind. I was frantically applying all the mental solutions I knew, to no avail. I sat down and meditated three times as long as I normally do, but I slipped off 95% of the time. I didn't think I succeeded, until I noticed when I left that I still felt scared, but I actually felt good about that. I know that's a good place to be. So I just left myself there.
Now I was going to toilet (always an excellent point for reflection :) ) and I noticed how much more freedom I felt. As soon as I became aware of that I felt such an incredibly intense feeling of peace and freedom, that it was way above my normal happiness -- and I'm already a very happy dude. I breathed it in gratefully with big, long breaths.
But it just blows me off my feet how fast this changed from one extreme of being ripped apart by directionless mind chaos, to the other extreme of utter unbounded bliss. Come on, in two hours, such a swing???
I wonder if this is normal or if my growing experience is just increasing my awareness of subtle changes, as is the case when achieving expertise in a subject. And then they say women have it even more! Poor girls, you have my honest sympathy ;)
Wim
Labels: ego, emotions, inner game, moods, swings
Attracted in 2010
I'm not a big fan of the law of attraction. I think it's a healthy way of thinking, but never got consistent results. But damn this week! Maybe I was doing it wrong..? Maybe I should combine it more with taking action? Because...
...while talking to a friend I realized that even now there are still a handful of people that I still react nervously to. I figured that I will work hem down to nothing in the future and BAM! One of those people reappears right in my face in my life so I can work through that.
...feel numb and bored sitting on my ass all day and want to go out, so I call a friend and BAM! It happens she was just going to party and BAM! A few minutes later another friend calls me and joins us.
... I decided I will play more sports this month and was getting info about squash lessons and BAM! A pro squash player sends me a message offering free lessons.
Wow... What more will follow? :)
Wim
...while talking to a friend I realized that even now there are still a handful of people that I still react nervously to. I figured that I will work hem down to nothing in the future and BAM! One of those people reappears right in my face in my life so I can work through that.
...feel numb and bored sitting on my ass all day and want to go out, so I call a friend and BAM! It happens she was just going to party and BAM! A few minutes later another friend calls me and joins us.
... I decided I will play more sports this month and was getting info about squash lessons and BAM! A pro squash player sends me a message offering free lessons.
Wow... What more will follow? :)
Wim
Labels: kismet, law of attraction
Food
So I'm beginning to be more attracted to improving myself on the field of health. To be precise: food.
I think I'm going to follow the same strategy as with seduction and relationships: just try out myself, see what is effective and feels good to me, talk to people on the same path. I'm going to follow the strategy for money too at some point in my life, but not now.
Coincidentally it seems a basic fear always needs to be conquered. Looking like a fool, being vulnerable, being alone, being poor, ... I don't know what the fear is regarding food, but I'll learn soon enough. The most difficult part will proabably be getting rid of habits, I believe.
I don't believe in this "nutritionism" that rules the waves lately with their millimiterized measurements that now fill half of the grocery stores. I feel more for going back to real food and trusting your body's wisdom. Making small shifts in what you take in. Cane sugar instead of processed beet sugar, brown bread instead of white, reducing dairy products, reducing salt, start drinking more water. In fact this is an elaboration of things that I have already done most my life.
And lo and behold, some synchronicities are popping up in my life, like this book from Michael Pollan In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto. Then to say I found it through a random link in Youtube leading to Zuzana's excellent fitness website which I only followed because I actually cursed aloud when I saw her ass (translation for the women: that's a Good Thing).
Long live the wisdom of my instincts :)
Wim
PS. I know some of my reader's aspire tight abs. Check out that site too for some good info.
I think I'm going to follow the same strategy as with seduction and relationships: just try out myself, see what is effective and feels good to me, talk to people on the same path. I'm going to follow the strategy for money too at some point in my life, but not now.
Coincidentally it seems a basic fear always needs to be conquered. Looking like a fool, being vulnerable, being alone, being poor, ... I don't know what the fear is regarding food, but I'll learn soon enough. The most difficult part will proabably be getting rid of habits, I believe.
I don't believe in this "nutritionism" that rules the waves lately with their millimiterized measurements that now fill half of the grocery stores. I feel more for going back to real food and trusting your body's wisdom. Making small shifts in what you take in. Cane sugar instead of processed beet sugar, brown bread instead of white, reducing dairy products, reducing salt, start drinking more water. In fact this is an elaboration of things that I have already done most my life.
And lo and behold, some synchronicities are popping up in my life, like this book from Michael Pollan In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto. Then to say I found it through a random link in Youtube leading to Zuzana's excellent fitness website which I only followed because I actually cursed aloud when I saw her ass (translation for the women: that's a Good Thing).
Long live the wisdom of my instincts :)
Wim
PS. I know some of my reader's aspire tight abs. Check out that site too for some good info.
Soulmates vs Egomates
from GoneSavage's blog
"Why is it so hard to find a soulmate? Because most of us are actually searching for egomates instead. We place the most limited and unloving aspects of our minds in charge of our search for love, and then wonder why we aren't succeeding. To the degree that we identify with this false sense of self, and operate on the basis of its limited point of view, we aren't looking for someone to love so much as recruiting fellow actors to take on supporting roles in a favorite melodrama."
-- Carolyn Miller
Yes, and there is one more dimension of utmost importance to us: body-mates, sex-mates, playmates.
Think about it this way. We all have three inner forces, often at odds with one another.
--Your ego wants to do what looks good.
--Your body wants to do what feels good.
--And your soul wants to do what IS GOOD (what is best in the long-run, and what is best for all parties involved).
What sort of mate do you seek?
"Why is it so hard to find a soulmate? Because most of us are actually searching for egomates instead. We place the most limited and unloving aspects of our minds in charge of our search for love, and then wonder why we aren't succeeding. To the degree that we identify with this false sense of self, and operate on the basis of its limited point of view, we aren't looking for someone to love so much as recruiting fellow actors to take on supporting roles in a favorite melodrama."
-- Carolyn Miller
Yes, and there is one more dimension of utmost importance to us: body-mates, sex-mates, playmates.
Think about it this way. We all have three inner forces, often at odds with one another.
--Your ego wants to do what looks good.
--Your body wants to do what feels good.
--And your soul wants to do what IS GOOD (what is best in the long-run, and what is best for all parties involved).
What sort of mate do you seek?
Darwin Awards
I've always been a big fan of the Darwin Awards -- granted each year to individuals who through great stupidity removed themselves from the gene pool (killing themselves or making sure they can't have children anymore). Here is a selection.
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards.
According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.
MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)
In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards.
According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.
MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)
In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
Labels: darwin awards
Disney Princesses
Hohoho, this is quite the thought provoking blog...
Wim
Labels: ego, in wat voor een maatschappij leven wij, vrouwen
Fixer Mentality
Great article from Ozzie (who I call "the Ox") about how a problem-solving mentality is bad for you.
Wim
Labels: inner game, positivity, problem-solving